COURAGEOUS
CONVERSATIONS
Life imitating art...the Runaway Bride, Jennifer
Wilbanks. She went jogging near her home in Duluth,
Georgia, took a taxi, boarded a Greyhound bus, and went
to Las Vegas. After a few days she took another bus to
Albuquerque. She finally called her distraught family
and fianceŽ and talked to police, claiming that she had
been abducted by a Hispanic man and a white woman. In a
few short hours, her story unraveled. The bride, who had
been scheduled to marry John Mason in a swank ceremony
with 14 bridesmaids and 14 groomsmen, had left on her
own. She said that she had "concerns" and that she
"needed time alone." When she made her public apology,
she did not say what those concerns were.
My question is, why wasn't she addressing those concerns
with her fianceŽ and family rather than involving the
police, her community, and people across the country who
prayed, searched, and hoped against hope? How much
trouble and money would a "courageous conversation" have
saved?
When you look at your life, do you see examples of the
same principle? Do you carry fears and resentments
inside because you just don't have the courage to
address your concerns? Maybe you hint or act them out,
but they don't get resolved.
THREE AVOIDANCE TRAPS
Yes, experience has proven that when you don't talk
about real issues, they tend to get worse. So why would
avoidance be such a popular coping mechanism? I believe
that there are three primary reasons.
1. YOU DON'T WANT TO HURT FEELINGS. Are you a person
who wants to keep everyone happy? Do you assume that if
you bring up the other person's problem behavior, you
will hurt him or her? Do you have the habit of ignoring
significant violations of your own rights and feelings,
hurting yourself?
2. YOU WANT TO AVOID CONFLICT. Do you want to keep the
peace at all costs? Have you had negative experiences
with conflict in the past, so you want to avoid it?
3. YOU ARE AFRAID OF THE RESULTS OF THE CONVERSATION.
Are you afraid you'll lose the relationship? Do you fear
that you might open a can of worms that calls for change
on your part? Do you wonder how you will follow through
if the person refuses to listen?
FROM AVOIDANCE TO ACTION
If you've been caught in any of those traps, you don't
have to stay there. Take these five steps out of
avoidance and into courageous action.
1. IDENTIFY WHAT NEEDS TO BE ADDRESSED, WITH WHOM. What
are the feelings you've been holding back from someone
with whom you're in a significant personal or work
relationship? Is this harming your relationship,
long-term? What results are you looking for? Do you just
want to be heard and understood? Are there changes (on
both of your parts) that could make your relationship
stronger?
2. CONFRONT YOUR FEARS. What's holding you back? What
would you do if your fears were realized after this
courageous conversation? What are the costs if you let
it go and it gets worse? Can you get needed support from
friends or even a professional?
3. PRACTICE. Write out what you plan to say. Read it,
tell it to the mirror, say it to a trusted friend. Have
your friend respond in all of the ways you fear the
other person will react. Better to be hit with it now so
that you can practice.
4. CHOOSE YOUR TIME. Don't pick a time when the other
person is busy, cranky, or exhausted. Don't hit the
individual with it unexpectedly, as he or she is almost
sure to get defensive. Make an appointment, naming the
topic. Set a courteous, collaborative tone when you ask
for the discussion.
5. JUST DO IT. Do it with kindness and respect, but do
it.
It's tough to do, but it's the thing to do. "Speak the
truth in love."
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