INTENT AND IMPACT
AREN'T ALWAYS EQUAL
We're only two weeks into Little League season as I
write this, and already I'm getting steamed. Go with me
to these recent events at my grandsons' ballgames.
The eager players have scrambled and gotten the hitter
out at first base, while another player made it to
second. Loud yell from a well-meaning (I'll give him
the benefit of the doubt) Paw-Paw: "Why didn't you get
a double play?"
Other select quotes: "Wake up out there!" "Pitcher,
don't throw it away! Get it over the plate!" "Aw!
What's the matter with you?"
Now imagine, you're that little guy out on the field.
You're trying hard, very hard. It's not like you just
got up this morning and decided, "Today I'm going to
throw the ball wrong, strike out, and miss a double
play." When you do it, it's painful. The last thing
you need is a booming voice from the stands chastising
you!
Did Paw-Paw come to the game with the intention of
discouraging these players? I really don't think so. I
think that he sincerely wanted them to win. Yet, even
with a positive intent, a negative impact can result.
These incidents reminded me of another true story that
Judy Denson and I recorded in our book, KidSpiration:
Out of the Mouths of Babes.
Five-year-old Lance was playing his first T-ball game.
He swung...WHACK! Lance started to run...first base,
second base...the crowd went wild! As he rounded third,
he could hear those words loudly and clearly: "Go home,
Lance, go home!"
Instead of heading for home plate, the little guy held
up, his steps faltering, his lips quivering, his heart
aching. Then came the final blow; they tagged him out!
He headed toward the gate with their words still ringing
in his ears. With all the courage he could muster, he
turned and yelled back at the crowd, "OK, I WILL go
home!"
The crowd had every intention to cheer him on, but at
this stage in his baseball career, Lance didn't have the
experience to realize that they were encouraging him to
keep running. He thought they were trying to boot him
off the field!
How often does this happen to us? Most of us have no
desire to be cruel or discouraging. We want to help.
However, from the boardroom to the classroom to the
living room, from the sales floor to the hospital
clinical floor to the shop floor, the principles are the
same. If you want to give feedback that is encouraging
and helpful, honor these three principles.
1. Focus on what's right, not on what's wrong.
First and foremost, notice, encourage, and "cheer"
what the person is doing right. When you are a "coach"
of any type, throw your perfectionism out the window.
Pay attention to small steps of improvement. Then and
only then will you be able to add constructive criticism
that is received as helpful. You will have built
relationship and respect, and that goes a long way.
2. Be specific, not general.
General negative comments, especially if they feel
like a personal insult, only create injuries and build
walls. They give no real information about what needs
to change.
Here are a few examples:
"Can't you do anything right?"
"Quit being so lazy."
"Why don't you try harder?"
Better:
"That was a good strong swing. The ball was over your
shoulders, though. Swing only when it's in this
zone...from here to here."
"When that customer was complaining loudly, you raised
your voice, too. It's essential that you keep your own
voice tone low and helpful. That way, even an angry
customer may eventually calm down and you can get the
problem solved."
"Last night, you came in at 11:20...20 minutes past your
curfew. Neither did you call and let me know you were
having a delay. I want to be able to relax and trust
that you will honor our agreements. That means,
11:00...or, on rare occasions, a phone call explaining
why you'll be late. That way, you will get more freedom
and privileges."
3. Use good timing.
People are most able to receive constructive
criticism when they are not exhausted, upset, pressured,
or confused. It is usually not best to try to give an
"instructional lesson" in the middle of a big crisis.
Get through it. Then, in a quiet setting, debrief it in
a positive and helpful way. Explore with the individual
what we might be able to do differently in a similar
situation in the future.
In effective communication, intent equals impact.
Unfortunately, this happens far too rarely.
More often, the process can be summed up in a familiar
communication quote: "I know that you believe you
understand what you think I said, but I am not sure that
you realize that what you heard is not what I meant."
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